I've been sorely neglecting my blog. Mainly my husband is moving at a tortoise pace at editing photos way back from memorial day weekend and has yet to catch up on anything significant that has happened in our rather dull and boring lives. And second I've been severely overworked for the last six months. No comp time and just hours upon hours of working and traveling and working and traveling.
Try squeezing in half marathon training and a few quilt orders and well, you're lucky I'm even awake most days let alone paying attention to things people are saying.
But I'm not writing to make excuses for my bad blogging habits. I'm writing because I've reached a point in my life where I can't talk with my girl friends about how I'm feeling. And when I try we are so far removed from the inner workings of each others lives it comes across more like bitching than needing some friend time. And my lack of friends here in California presents itself as a problem. I have some friends. But ones I am close enough to divulge the inner feelings of my heart and soul unconditionally- maybe one of them I would. But our schedules are never in sync for me to confide in her.
I spent a week in Italy over labor day holiday. And to tell you it was incredible would be an understatement. Life seemed to flow and happen over there. There were no time limits or rushing- even the two times we literally had to run through the train station to catch a train. The thought of missing it was "whatever! we'll figure it out" rather than filled with bad thoughts of how it would screw up our day.
Now we had our moments where we quarreled and bickered just like any two married couple thrown into a culture we didn't understand nor did we speak the language, but by the end of the week we had adapted and I would look at my husband and we would just understand one another. 20 more minutes to get ready or order another half liter of wine.
You see it was in Italy I discovered something very important about myself.
I'm not happy.
I've let the day to day drown me out with discontent to where I barely recognize myself and I wonder how on earth my husband hasn't started sleeping on the couch (not that our schedules match much these days as it is, but you get the simple idea).
I miss laughing and taking in the beauty around me. I miss living. I wasn't able to enjoy Italy as much as I had dreamed of because of this discovery. And this realization and acceptance of this unhappiness just made me yearn for a life that I currently cannot have or on the horizon can even fathom having.
I miss time with my husband. Just us with no errands or to do list.
I miss lazy evenings with the dogs where I only have to cook dinner.
I miss planning little trips and excursions and seeing the world and state we live in.
I miss having friends and girl time. My how I miss just having friends to hang out with.
I miss running- running the way I used to. Where it wasn't a chore but an adventure to go for a run.
I've been searching for a new job. One that will allow me to put not only myself back as a priority but also my husband and my marriage. I realized I can handle the military coming before our marriage when it has to. But I am not okay with my career also coming before my marriage. I want to reawaken all those reason why I married the man that I did. And I can't do that when I am miserable at work and I am working so much I can't take time to rejuvenate to focus on my marriage.
I wish I could say a solution was easy. I can't quit my job or even drop down to part time. It just isn't plausible at this moment. And I wish I could say there was an overflow of jobs here in California. But there aren't. I have to just take time and trust that there is a plan. That God has a plan for me. And that where I am right now is because I am supposed to be here. That the challenges I am faced with are meant for me to overcome them and learn valuable lessons about myself.
But I want to live again. And I don't wait my life to have squandered by waiting for that time to come.